As I begin the last month of my 39th year of life I feel a slight sense of panic. Who am I really? What am I good at? What have I done with my life in the last 39 years and 11 months? (Ok, probably more like 25 years because, lets be honest, how many clearly thought out and rational life altering decisions do you make from ages 1 day old through 14?) Either way, I have felt a little bit lost and confused if I’m honest. I can’t even figure out a hobby. Or a job I like. (I’ve had several “careers” so far.) What I’m passionate about. I’m single and renting a room from a friend. No kids or pets. If you’re like me, you definitely shouldn’t go on Facebook. Looking at the Facebook feeds of high school, grade school or college classmates who seem to have their lives together just sends people like me further into the tailspin of middle-aged uncertainty. I can’t even keep a plant alive. Seriously. And I hate to cook.
But I’m super funny. So there’s that. 😉 And right when I was approached about doing this blog I had started chatting with an online counselor (thankfully so far so good. Yay!). Talking with her made me realize that maybe I can use 40 as a clean slate. Obviously it’s just an arbitrary number, but I can take this year, that I for some reason find scarier than 38 or 39 and turn it into 40 and Fabulous! Maybe it’s not to late to figure it out. What sparks joy in my heart? (Besides my family and friends so far the list includes sushi and crime shows – I seriously love Dateline.) But I know there is more. I just have to work on finding it. Maybe it’s this blog, which is why I’m trying this. Putting my feelings and writing out there for strangers and friends to read is pretty scary, but it’s a baby step…. I feel like in the past I may have taken the path of safety or kind of let things in life “happen” to me because I couldn’t decide what to do.
I think I have grown a lot the last few years and maybe now is finally the time that I figure a few things out. Expand my mind, read something besides a cheesy love story, find something I am passionate about, consciously work on giving back to other humans in the world. Once I month (at least) I am going to try something new or scary. Read one thought provoking book a month. Find one place new to explore. They say real change doesn’t come from a place of comfort, and I have been complacent in my life for a while. 39 was a little bit of a challenge, but a new year is about to begin. So, I think I’m ready to start my journey of being 40 and Fabulous. We’ll see where it takes me. Stay tuned…
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