This post is inspired by my new friend that I met on this website that I just shipped an encouraging Care Package to in order to hopefully lift their spirits and bring them some much needed hope.
This post is inspired by what they said to me:
"It's just nice to be seen."
The Lord has been really working on me and getting me to the point in my healing journey where I can share more and more of my own story without the fear of what other people think. To be honest, it's not always easy to find a safe, supportive person to share your story with.
But this post is a little snapshot into a memory that I was reminded of tonight by the words:
"It's just nice to be seen."
Many years ago I was walking through a valley that I never thought I'd find myself in. Sure, in my "BC" years ("Before Christ"- aka before I was saved and was what you'd call the definition of a lost sheep) I was led astray by addiction and sin and sucked into things that I'm still learning to heal from. But I'm talking about after I was saved. I'm talking about when I was living my "Blessed" life. I'm talking about when I started to see the hand of God on my life and my blessings were starting to overflow after I gave my life to Jesus.
I got my dream job in my career field. I met (who I thought was) the man of my dreams. We got engaged and I started planning (what I thought was) my dream wedding.
And then out of nowhere, it all fell apart.
I found out some very unsettling things. Things I never saw coming. Not in a million years. Instead of coping with things the positive way, I turned to pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms (drinking). I made some very, very poor choices. And I was a born-again Christian. I loved Jesus with all of my heart. I just didn't know how to deal with life. So one thing led to another (I can't help but think of that Seinfeld episode where they keep saying, "Yada Yada Yada...") and I lost my job, my fiancé (yes, even called off the wedding), and even my car.
All of this was pretty devastating. And if you knew the whole story, you might be surprised that I held on as long as I did. But at any rate, this all led to me actually being hospitalized for mental health.
Which goes back to the phrase: "It's just nice to be seen."
Making the decision to seek inpatient mental health treatment is hard enough in itself. At the time, I didn't really have a choice. I was in the middle of a mental health crisis that was triggered by everything I was experiencing along with lack of sleep (lack of sleep does some really awful things to your brain).
But having to stay in-patient in essentially what some people would call a "psych ward" really tends to strip you of all dignity and can really easily make you feel "LESS THAN" or that there is something "wrong" with you. Like you don't matter. Like you are somehow "broken" or "crazy". Yeah I guess that's why there's such a mental health stigma where hardly anyone talks about what they've gone through.
But there I was, I went from feeling on top of the world, literally. I was thriving at my career and trying to make it in my field - always going above and beyond for everything. Going on vacations to other countries and planning an elaborate wedding to someone I considered lucky to be with.
And then somehow, out of nowhere - BAM. I suddenly have nothing. Literally nothing. And I found myself in a hospital gown in an inpatient psych ward being treated like.... well, a "nothing".
"It's just nice to be seen."
The memory that comes back to me is not a happy one. I'm in the inpatient psych unit and I need something from the nurse. I can't remember what it was to be honest with you. But it's enough where I leave my room and walk across the hall to the nurses' station to ask for it. And that's when I learned what it feels like to feel truly invisible. I stood there patiently because I knew they were very busy. I didn't want to interrupt. But then it got to the point where a nurse was just blatantly ignoring me on purpose. How much time went by that she let me stand there, invisible? 5 minutes? 10? Longer? It felt like an eternity.
I won't share the name of that hospital because I obviously had a very poor experience there. Not to mention they tried to keep me there against my will and I had to contact my lawyer in order to get out. Yeah.... I've been through some things.
On the bright side, I did seek treatment after that at a different place and had a very positive experience. I talk about it a little more in my book that's coming out VERY soon.
"It's just nice to be seen."
So maybe that gives a little more insight on why I'm so passionate about advocating and HELPING others. Letting people know that Hey, I see you. You are valuable. You are loved. You are important.
And PS- God's not done writing your story. If I only knew then how God would turn everything around for my good and bless me beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I'm now living my absolute dream life and I am so incredibly thankful that He gave me beauty for ashes. And if He did it for me, He most definitely will do it for you.
PPS- I have absolutely nothing against nurses whatsoever, I actually think of them as absolute "earth angels". This was an experience that I'm only sharing to let you know that I can relate to feeling "Unseen".
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